


The Dazzling Knight and the Monster in his Head

by oh_imintrouble



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Keith has anxiety, Lance tries, M/M, Mental Health Issues, angsty with a happyish ending, he's so good guys, mostly self indulgent therapy writing tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 15:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9130324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_imintrouble/pseuds/oh_imintrouble
Summary: Lance: hey, are you ok?Keith: Yes.Keith: No.Keith: I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.Lance: too late, already getting in my car----Keith has a depressive episode and Lance just wants to help





	

**Author's Note:**

> woah it's been how long since I last posted something?! ya'll I legit have like a dozen different half finished fics on my computer at work I need to do better   
> anyway! mental illness is a bitch so I popped this out in hopes of perking myself up and hopefully if you're not feeling so hot it'll help you a bit too?? idk I just want everyone to be happy and writing is therapeutic

He wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. He had been having a good week, a great one even, but then something…switched in him. It was like all of his happiness, sadness, anger, any emotion he could have possible felt were sucked out of him, leaving him a husk of the person he was. He holed himself up in his apartment, turned off every light and burrowed under his blankets, ignoring life for as long as he could. He heard his phone ping with a text, and at first he simply ignored it. But he couldn’t ignore it forever, and soon his anxiety pushed him to check his messages in case of some emergency. He didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry when he saw what it actually was. Lance texted him asking if he wanted to come over, curl up on the sofa, maybe binge watch some X-Files, and even though he would usually jump on the offer to make his boyfriend watch his favorite show, Keith replied with a simple “no.” After a moment he pulled out his phone again, and sent a quick “sorry.”

**_Lance:_ ** _ aw lame  _

**_Lance:_ ** _ you don’t need to apologize tho _

**_Keith:_ ** _ Yes I do. _

Of course he did. Because this was Lance, beautiful, perfect, understanding Lance, who did things like bring him coffee when he had to pull an all-nighter and watch all the shows Keith knew he didn’t care about with him and text him “good morning” and “goodnight” every single day. And he was saddled with Keith, the fuck up, the nut case, the kid who needed to pop pills every day just to function like a normal goddamn person. Not that he went around flaunting his prescription bottles. In fact, he was sure the only person that even knew the extent of his issues was Shiro. 

He had been friends with Shiro since they were kids, long before his PTSD from the war and Keith’s anxiety and depressive episodes from…existing. Shiro had always tried to tell him that there was no shame in needing help, not back when it came from people and certainly not when he was prescribed his medication. 

_ “There’s nothing wrong with you, Keith. Some of us just need a little extra help getting through the day.” _

Yeah. Right. Shiro at least had an excuse, he could tell a person he needed to be medicated for anxiety and they would take one look at his scar and prosthetic arm and understand. Keith didn’t fight in a war, he didn’t suffer from some big, traumatic accident. Sure, he went through some shit as a teenager, but who didn’t? He had no excuse for being this fucked in the head.

**_Lance:_ ** _ hey, are you ok? _

**_Keith:_ ** _ Yes. _

**_Keith:_ ** _ No. _

**_Keith:_ ** _ I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it. _

**_Lance:_ ** _ too late, already getting in my car _

Of course he was. Of course all Keith had to say was he wasn’t okay and Lance would come swooping in like some kind of knight in shining armor coming to vanquish the monster and save the day. He wondered what Lance would say when he told him the monster was his own mind and there was actually nothing he could do to save him?

He hoped Lance wasn’t one of those people that thought his mental illness was all in his head—well, duh, it was, that’s why it’s a  _ mental _ illness—and that he could be fixed by some bullshit like meditation or going for walks outside. Keith got enough of that to last a lifetime from his mother. 

With a sigh, Keith pulled himself out of bed for the first time in hours, leaving the safety of his warm blankets to go take a look at himself in the mirror. He hadn’t showered in several days or changed clothes since yesterday, and it made him wrinkle his nose in disdain. No time for a shower, but he could at least try to look somewhat presentable. He changed into a fresh pair of sweatpants, put on a new hoodie, then tucked his greasy hair into a beanie. After a second thought, he put on a second layer of deodorant, then decided it was as good as it was going to get.

He sat curled up on his sofa, knees pulled to his chest and arms wound loosely around his legs, his chin resting on the tops of his knees. He heard Lance jiggle the front door then the jingle of keys as he got out the key he had to Keith’s apartment. Keith stayed where he was, gaze locked on the wooden floorboards, and barely even glanced up at his boyfriend when Lance stood in front of him.

“Hey,” he started, voice soft, and crouched down into his line of sight. He looked obviously concerned, his brows knitted together and a slight frown on his lips. “What’s up, babe? Did something happen?”

_ Yeah, the pharmacy was taking its sweet fucking time refilling his prescription, totally an appropriate reason, right? _

Keith shook his head, looking away for as long as he could before Lance took his face in his hands, forcing him to meet his gaze. “It’s nothing,” he murmured, voice cracking from lack of use. 

“Sure doesn’t seem like nothing. C’mon, baby, talk to me,” he said, moving to take a seat beside him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. After several moments of silence, he sighed, seeming to understand he wasn’t going to be getting an answer. “Okay, um…something happen at work?” He shook his head. “You get a bad grade?” Another shake of his head. “Someone say something shitty?” A shrug. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Keith felt his blood run cold, and he looked at his boyfriend incredulously. How could he be mad at him? If anything he was mad at himself. 

“Shit, that’s it isn’t it? Whatever I did, I swear I didn’t mean to upset you. Just…tell me what I did and I won’t do it again, okay?”

“God,” Keith breathed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t take it, couldn’t take the guilty look on the other man’s face. He had hoped that this would last longer, that he could pretend he was normal and be with Lance. He knew he wouldn’t want to be with Keith anymore, but he would rather have Lance leave him because he got bored or something than ever think he could have possibly done something to send him into a depressive episode.

“I…” he started, digging his nails into his palms hard enough to leave marks. “I’m sorry, I just… it’s nothing you did, could  _ never  _ be something you did. I just…god I’m so fucked in the head, Lance. It’s like, I recognize that everyone cares about me, that I matter to our friends, and that you love me. But I can’t get my mind to shut up  _ ever  _ and it’s convincing me everyone hates me and that I’m this horrible, awful person who doesn’t deserve to be as happy as I am with you and with the others and Lance, it’s right, it’s  _ so  _ right because I  _ don’t  _ deserve you. I can’t even get through two fucking days without my meds and it’s not fair to you because you should have someone mentally sound who can exist like a normal person and not- not-“ he struggled, his voice straining, and vision blurring. Once he started, he couldn’t stop. All his anxiety and fears came rushing out, and his lungs started to burn, his breathing coming now in short, choppy bursts.

“Woah woah woah,” Lance said quickly, turning to face him, and sat up on his knees. “Keith, breathe. Here, breathe with me, in…and out,” he demonstrated what he wanted Keith to do, and pulled his fist away from his side, making him loosen his grip so Lance could run his thumb along his palm. He must have felt the angry, crescent shaped marks, because he frowned, then set Keith’s hand flat against his chest. “In for four, out for four, c’mon,” he murmured, his voice taking on a newfound softness before he went back to breathing with him.

Keith’s breathing started to even out, and he swallowed thickly, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to meet Lance’s gaze. “I just…” he started again, squeezing the other’s hand, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For being…like this? I can’t…make it stop, I can’t just tell myself ‘hey, a lot of people care about me, maybe I should chill’ because I just…I physically can’t. I can tell myself that over and over but it won’t change the fact that I’m worthless and stubborn and this big asshole that should probably just become a hermit or something-“ he felt Lance’s other hand at his back, rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades. “I’m…a mess.”

They sat in silence then, Lance continuing to rub his back until he felt his muscles relaxing. It was only then that he spoke up.

“You’re stubborn, that’s for sure. But worthless? A mess? I’m going to find a way to  _ physically fight _ your mental illness if that’s what it has you believing.”

Keith snorted a laugh, and brought his hands up to rub at his dry eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah! That’s just…it’s fucked up. That’s what’s got you so down? Just anxiety and depression being a bitch?”

He nodded, curling further into himself. He had hoped he wouldn’t have to add a breakup on top of the spontaneous depressive episode…

“Jesus, Keith, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“…What?”

“I want to help. I just…I don’t really know much about that kinda stuff to be honest? Like, I thought depression was just being really bummed out, but then someone told me I was being an ignorant slut-“

“Are you seriously referencing ‘The Office’ right now?”

“But it’s true!” Lance insisted, giving him a big, toothy grin. “I didn’t realize it was like…a chemical imbalance? I can’t even imagine how shitty that must be.”

“It’s pretty shitty…” Keith muttered, the heaviness in his body easing. “You’re not…you don’t hate me?”

“Hate you?” Lance echoed, brows knitted together. “Why would I hate you? It’s not your fault--not like you can control it. And like, I know I can’t exactly fix it, but is there  _ anything _ I can do? I could go pick up dinner or we can put on your shitty alien shows or if you want to be alone I could  _ maybe  _ be talked into leaving, but I don’t think that’s very likely even if you yell at me to go away.”

Keith could only stare at him at first, far too aware of his own heartbeat for his liking. He had been told time and time again by people in his family that he had no reason to be depressed, that nothing that had happened in his life was bad enough to scar him that deeply, that other people had it so much worse. Having someone tell him he couldn’t control it and it wasn’t his fault was…  He felt his eyes burning with the threat of tears, and he clenched his jaw, willing away his emotions. Then Lance intertwined their fingers and gave him that unfairly sweet smile, and Keith crumbled.

He had never cried in front of any of his friends. After having his mom ask him what was wrong with him, he didn’t really cry in front of anyone. But there he was, choking back sobs while hot tears ran down his cheeks. He practically threw himself into Lance’s arms, wrapping his own tightly around his slim waist, and he buried his face in his chest.

Lance stiffened for just a moment then he was holding him, ducking his head down to rest on top of Keith’s, and whispered soothing words as he gently rocked him. 

“If that’s because of what I said I’m going to feel like the worst boyfriend ever,” he grumbled, breaking the silence after Keith got everything out of his system. “You didn’t cry because of me, right?”

“I did,” he said, resting his head more comfortably on his chest, and closed his eyes.

“I didn’t mean to make you more sad.”

“’s not why.”

“Are you sure?” Keith nodded. “Do you…want to talk about anything else?” He shook his head. “Want me to put on Netflix or something? I’ll stay if you want me to, but if you fall asleep on me I’m gonna get really bored and annoying if I have nothing to keep me entertained.”

“Only if you put on X-Files and not ask me a million questions.”

“What if I only ask you a thousand?”

Keith snorted a laugh, and reached a hand up to push at his boyfriend’s face, actually smiling when he heard Lance laugh. He knew Lance couldn’t fix him, but he would stay by his side and hold his hand while Keith tried to fix himself. And that was really all he needed.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so friendly reminders:  
> \- mental illness is not your fault  
> \- it's okay to need prescriptions to get you through the day  
> \- a relationship won't fix all your problems   
> \- a partner should understand this and be willing to stick by your side while you work through them yourself   
> \- please take care of yourself and if you have meds you need to take and haven't yet here's your reminder to go do that and drink lots of water <3


End file.
